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Sat, 25 May 2013 00:03:54 +0100

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Fri, 24 May 2013 21:32:49 +0100

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Fri, 24 May 2013 18:58:53 +0100

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Fri, 24 May 2013 15:25:41 +0100

Can I have your handwriting? I was writing lyrics on a napkin today and threw it in the trash because my handwriting is just so... Not pretty.

Fri, 24 May 2013 13:58:22 +0100

Write over everything, find a style you like and work at it until it becomes your own. Write, write, write.

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Fri, 24 May 2013 13:55:09 +0100

How not to deal with depression

Tue, 21 May 2013 21:05:00 +0100

After seeing ‘the worst doctor I can possibly imagine’ (TWDICPI) I’ve finally changed doctor (I have trouble talking to people or changing appointments, complaining if something is really wrong, asking people anything etc, If someone set me on fire and a spark hit their jacket, I’d apologise as I lay burning to death). Unfortunately some doctors really don’t ‘get’ mental health..

Back to ‘the worst doctor I can possibly imagine’ (TWDICPI).

Having a history of ‘not coping to well with any kind of stress/ thing I can’t control/ depression / anxiety/ generally not coping with being a person) I finally drummed up the courage to go and see the doctor again because I could feel myself slipping after my year of mental bliss. Moved to a new city, moved surgeries, gained a new doctor. Having had a great relationship with my normal doctor I was wary of the new, but without travelling this seemed the best option.

First meeting ‘are you sure it’s just a bad day not a bad life?’ said the brand new doctor. o_O ‘Have you been reading my blog? Is that where you got the quote from??’ I thought as I pressed my nails into my palm with embarrassment, regretting the idea of conversation in general, to anybody, ever again. This followed with the Goldberg depression test. Which I loathe, I don’t enjoy point scoring, I feel like I’m making things up and saying things are worse than they are. Eventually, after my few years of knowing exactly how I get when the low mood creeps in I convinced, and I use that word with the utmost irritation, my doctor that things weren’t swell at the moment and I was struggling to exist.

Cue the 2nd, 3rd, 4th visit.

‘Hopefully this is something you can just snap out of’ …TWDICPI

Sorry I’m here, silly me, why did I not do this before.

‘How do you feel about watching television?’ asked TWDICPI.

‘Not great, I want to but I can’t concentrate, it isn’t enough for me to focus on but at the same time it’s too much, reading too, it’s just, blah, words and nothing. I just want to sleep’

‘Well you can’t watch television when you’re asleep’ TWDICPI chortled, and continued to do so until he began to wheeze……

This same question, every week.

Along with other awkward sentences

‘All students get stressed some days’

I wasn’t a student when I started ~~getting depression.~~

I hate that phrase. I can’t think of another.

5th, 6th visit.

‘a lot of people go through stressful situations, it’s just how you deal with them.’

I know. I’m aware of these things. I wish I had a button to act in the appropriate way but all I want to do is sleep and stop, sleep and stop.

So I go in and tell (TWDICPI) I’m fine, because if I say anything else I’ll be told about the stresses of med school and how to revise.

I’m not sure if I mentioned to him 5 million times that I don’t feel this is anything to do with studying or the fact that I find reading things that don’t mean anything to me a relief from my head.

Until today, when I had to get a prescription for the summer because I’m travelling ‘I’m really thinking you ought to be taking a break from these meds now, so how about we call it stress because of your exams and begin to take you off them’.

… okay cool, fine, I’m fine. I should have recognised that the lack of existence was stress, it’s nothing before like the multitude of other times that the world has ended in my head.

the point to my babble is, it’s so difficult to talk about ‘being depressed’ the entire phrase feels like a label I’m applying for attention and that’s exactly how the TWDICPI made me feel. Every week I’ve said everything is fine so I can get out of the room and not felt brave enough to change things until today, discussing with the boy how I wanted to stop all the treatment so I didn’t have to go back. No doctor should make you feel like that.

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Mon, 20 May 2013 23:42:49 +0100

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Sat, 18 May 2013 22:17:02 +0100

I was packing all my things away to move house and I put your letter, amongst many other notes on my...

Sat, 18 May 2013 20:05:37 +0100

I was packing all my things away to move house and I put your letter, amongst many other notes on my wall, into an envelope. It hit me how young you were and how much life there was in you. How you tried to capture it in a small piece of paper. Everything that people are meant to become, all the ways we’re supposed to grow and change. I can’t really explain it. I try not to dwell on anything, it’s my weakness, but today I have missed you, and more so, missed everything you should have become.

Pen And Paper

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Can I have your handwriting? I was writing lyrics on a napkin today and threw it in the trash because my handwriting is just so... Not pretty.

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How not to deal with depression

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I was packing all my things away to move house and I put your letter, amongst many other notes on my...